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Interpersonal Communications, Leadership Development, Listening, personal development

Seeing the Other Side – Influence and Persuasion

May 21, 2017

Bronze Statue of Roosevelt and Churchill in conversation

Zorba the Geek

In a recent coaching conversation, a client mentioned that he always feels like he is second guessing his actions. He wondered why he was getting the sense that his messages aren’t getting across. I asked him for an example and he talked about not getting the expected responses or results when he assigns tasks to his direct reports. He was having challenges influencing his team.

The skill of influencing others is a valuable asset to have. It can help us sell products and ideas, convince people and institutions to assist us, and even affect change in the world! We may not have the power to control other people, but we can always do our best to persuade them. This skill is particularly critical for managers. How you go about influencing and successfully communicating your message determines the results you will achieve.

To be a successful influencer, some critical skills to possess include the ability to see “the other side,” build bridges, and give in without giving up.

You must be able to “enter another person’s world” in order to influence them. This means setting aside your own point of view, and looking at a situation from that person’s perspective. How they see the world becomes their reality. Don’t assume that what’s clear to you is clear to your partner in communication.

Seeing the other side involves knowing what is important to the other person: their values, interests, and preferences. Do you understand their SOCIAL STYLE — their preferred way of communicating and behaving? Ask questions and ask for feedback to make sure you “hear” them and understand where they are coming from. Another way to approach this is to answer this question, on their behalf, “what’s in it for me?”

The second critical skill that can help you in working to influence a situation is bridge building.

Bridge building is the process of improving rapport and affinity between people. It can involve putting the other person at ease in conversation with you, gaining their trust, and identifying common interests.

Bridge building is important in persuasion because people are more likely to agree with someone they like, trust, or see as “one of them.” Aside from improving the over-all communication between two parties, bridges can also serve as grounds for negotiation. Bridges translate into common interests, which can be the foundation of a win-win scenario.

Finally, issues are rarely black and white. In most cases, there are areas for compromise. If you want to improve your chances of influencing other people, be willing to make some concessions, even if it’s simply agreeing to differ, agreeing that the other person has a right to their opinion, or agreeing that the other person has made a reasonable argument.

The key to all of the above is understanding and recognizing the others point of view and the only way to do that is to be open, ask lots of open-ended and clarifying questions and to be an active listener.

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John Whitehead, coaches individuals and organizations in becoming more effective by helping them improve their interpersonal communications, emotional intelligence and resiliency.

*******Are you wondering if having a Leadership/Personal Development Coach is right for you? Contact John for a complimentary, exploratory coaching session at [email protected]********

If you would like to get notifications for when I post, please go to my blog site and register. I promise I will not spam or use

___________________________________________________________________________________

John Whitehead, coaches individuals and organizations in becoming more effective by helping them improve their interpersonal communications, emotional intelligence and resiliency.

*******Are you wondering if having a Leadership/Personal Development Coach is right for you? Contact John for a complimentary, exploratory coaching session at [email protected]********

If you would like to get notifications for when I post, please go to my blog site and register. I promise I will not spam or use

Coaching, communication, Interpersonal Communications, Leadership, Leadership Development

Interpersonal Communications: It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It

John Whitehead

May 12, 2017

“Fluency in non-verbal communication can be as powerful a tool as masterful negotiating techniques or expert salesmanship” – Joe Navarro

Have you ever experienced a situation where your partner in conversation is noticeably overbearing? Have you had a supervisor whose way of delivering instructions comes across as overly aggressive? You may have felt intimidated, even though the actual message was benign. Why was that? Last week I wrote about how awareness of your body language is an important part of interpersonal communications. This week I will talk about using the tone, pace and rhythm of our speech to enhance our message. Just the way in which a person uses their body when communicating can be in direct opposition to the words coming out of their mouths, so can the tone, inflection, pace and rhythm of speech contradict the spoken message. Being aware not only of the words but how you are delivering them is critical to making sure your message is received the way you intend it to be.

Here are some aspects of “how we say things” to be aware of:

Tone of Voice: Voice intonation refers to the use of changing pitch in order to convey a message. The same message, for example, can be delivered using a rising intonation, a dipping intonation, or a falling intonation. Changes in tone can help inject emotions into messages — messages can be upbeat or somber, depending on the speaker’s tone. Changes in tone can also help identify the purpose of a sentence. There are intonations that better fit a question, and intonations that better fit a declarative sentence.
Stress and Emphasis: Changing the words or syllables on which you place emphasis can change your message’s meaning. For example, consider the differences among the statements below. The italicized word represents the emphasis. Each one has an entirely different meanging.

You mean he disobeyed his mother?
You mean he disobeyed his mother?
You mean he disobeyed his mother?

Pace and Rhythm: The speed of speech, as well as the appropriate use of pauses, can change the meaning of words spoken, and affect the clarity and effectiveness of a communication. For instance, people who speak too fast can be difficult to converse with — a listener might feel too pressured or unable to catch every word! On the other hand, a person who speaks too slowly can bore their listener.
Volume: How softly and how loudly you speak also matters in communication. Ideally, one should generally speak in a moderate volume while in the company of others; a too soft voice can communicate nervousness or lack of assertiveness, while a loud voice can communicate anger and aggression. A person should also be flexible, able to whisper or shout when it’s appropriate to do so.
Pronunciation and Enunciation. Your message’s effectiveness is also influenced by pronunciation and enunciation. Pronunciation refers to articulating a word in a way that’s generally accepted or understood, while enunciation is the act of speaking clearly and concisely. Developing one’s skills in pronunciation and enunciation ensures that one is accurately understood. Note that accents can cause variations in what is considered acceptable pronunciation.

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John Whitehead, coaches individuals and organizations in becoming more effective by helping them improve their interpersonal communications, emotional intelligence and resiliency.

*******Are you wondering if having a Leadership/Personal Development Coach is right for you? Contact John for a complimentary, exploratory coaching session at [email protected]********

If you would like to get notifications for when I post, please go to my blog site and register. I promise I will not spam or use your email address for anything else. You can visit and register for my blog at https://johnkwhitehead.ca/blog-2/

Coaching, communication, Interpersonal Communications, Leadership Development

Using Your Body to Communicate: Five Forms of Body language

John Whitehead

May 5, 2017

group talking Communication is not just about what comes out of our mouths. In fact, what we don’t say — our body language and use of silence — often sends a louder message than the words we use or the intonation of our voice. So being aware of, and practicing, our non-verbal communication skills are critical parts of overall interpersonal communications.

There are a number of studies that tell us how a listener pays more attention to body language than verbal messages. This implies that if one’s body language is inconsistent with the verbal message being sent (e.g. frowning while saying you’re happy), the verbal message is less credible. In fact, such inconsistency can even nullify the verbal message, and result in it being perceived as a lie. At the very least, inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal communication can result in confusion, stress and possibly even conflict.

What does body language look like – what do you need to look out for?

Eye Contact: Eye contact is seen as one of the most important aspects of non-verbal communication. Steady eye contact often indicates attention to the person one is in conversation with, as well as a willingness and sincerity to connect. The lack of eye connect can be viewed as defensiveness, nervousness and/or social withdrawal. It has been said that our eyes are the “windows to our soul”, and that one can tell if an individual is happy, sad, or angry simply by looking at their eyes.
Facial Expression: It is believed that there are universal facial expressions for different emotions, most of which have an evolutionary basis. For example, anger is often indicated by sharp stares, crunched eyebrows and the baring of teeth. Sadness, on the other hand, can be denoted by teary eyes and drooping lips. Note though that the expression and perception of emotions tend to vary from culture to culture.
Posture: The way we sit down, stand up or even walk can also communicate a message. For example, slumping in a chair is often considered as a sign of inattention and/or disrespect. Walking with one’s head and shoulders down can be interpreted as a sign of nervousness or low self-esteem. Withdrawing to a fetal position can also be indicative of fear and/or depression. The puffing of one’s chest has been traditionally interpreted as pride.
Specific Movements: There are specific movements that have traditionally been associated with certain messages. For example, nodding is generally a sign of assent or agreement. Raising clenched hands are interpreted as a sign of angry challenge. Stomping our feet can be an indication of frustration.
Physical Contact: The way we physically interact with other people is also a part of body language. Shaking of hands, hugging, slapping, punching are forms of communication. The same can be said about our physical closeness and distance with another person. Standing too close to a person can be considered as an invasion of personal boundaries, while standing too far from a person can be construed as avoidance.

Our non-verbal communication tends to be unconscious. It can be influenced by many things, including past habits, life experiences, personal models, culture and hidden thoughts and feelings. Because body language is often outside of awareness, most have no idea what exactly they are communicating to other people. Being made more aware of how body language influences our communication and learning how to control it can go a long way to reducing misunderstandings, stress and conflict in our interpersonal relationships.

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John Whitehead, coaches individuals and organizations in becoming more effective by helping them improve their interpersonal communications, emotional intelligence and resiliency.

*******Are you wondering if having a Leadership/Personal Development Coach is right for you? Contact John for a complimentary, exploratory coaching session at [email protected]********

Coaching, communication, Interpersonal Communications, Leadership, Leadership Development, Listening

Interpersonal Skills: Communicating with Power

John Whitehead

April 28, 2017

powerful communication This is the third post in a series focusing on the interpersonal skill of communications

In the initial post I discussed how communication is the exchange of information between two or more people. Last week’s post focused on the importance of questions, not only to solicit the specific information you seek, but the way in which well-crafted questions can create the space for an engaging conversation. This week I explore the power of communication: how communication can influence, persuade, or make an impact; how self-confidence, credibility, and effectiveness are associated with powerful communication.

Here are some ways for you to enhance the power of your verbal communications:

Stick to the point. Powerful communication is not about saying as many things as you can in a given period of time. Rather, it is about sticking to that which is relevant to the discussion, and getting your message across in the shortest — but most impactful — way possible. Get rid of fillers like “uhm…”, “you know”, or “actually” in your delivery, and avoid off-topic statements. Just provide the bare bones — the ideas your audience would be most interested in knowing, or the ones that best promote your intentions.
Don’t be too casual. Phrasing that is appropriate for a conversation with friends is not necessarily appropriate for business-related discussions. The use of slang, street talk, and poor grammar can detract from your credibility, especially if you’re mingling with potential clients, employers, and business partners. Events that require you to make the best possible impression may require the use of industry-specific vocabulary and a formal tone — so adjust accordingly.
Emphasize key ideas. Stress the highlights of your communication. For example, people who are delivering a sales pitch should emphasize the main features of their product or service. Those who are presenting their opinion on an issue should explain the crux of their arguments, and build from there. Even if you’re merely expressing interest or congratulations, make sure your partner in communication will remember what you’ve said.. Emphasis in verbal communication comes in many forms, including repetition of key points, giving specific examples, accenting particular adjectives or nouns, or even directly saying that “this is really a point I want to emphasize.”
Tailor-fit your communication to your audience. A powerful communication is one that connects with one’s audience. In this case, minding the readiness, attention, age, and educational level of your audience is very important, so that you neither overwhelm nor underwhelm them. Social skills are primarily about flexibility; the better you can adjust to changes in your audience profile, the more successful you’ll be.
Connect. Power in communication is sometimes determined by the quality of your rapport with others. You may need to “warm up” your audience, make them comfortable, and show them that you sincerely want to talk with them. The more others see you as “one of them”, the more receptive they will be to anything you say.

Words are powerful tools of communication. Indeed, word choice can easily influence the thoughts, attitudes, and behavior of the people listening to us. Similarly, proper attention to the language of others can give us insight to what they are really saying, helping us to respond appropriately and effectively.

Using non-verbal communication can also be a significant in connecting with others. More about that in next week’s post.

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John Whitehead, coaches individuals and organizations in becoming more effective by helping them improve their interpersonal communications, emotional intelligence and resiliency.

*******Are you wondering if having a Leadership/Personal Development Coach is right for you? Contact John for a complimentary, exploratory coaching session at [email protected]********

Coaching, communication, Interpersonal Communications, Leadership, Leadership Development

Moving from Hearing to Listening: Ask Questions

John Whitehead

April 20, 2017

questioning ballons

In last week’s post I discussed how communication is the exchange of information between two or more people. This week’s post focuses on the importance of questions not only to solicit the specific information you seek, but the way in which well-crafted questions can create the space for an engaging conversation. Asking questions can establish rapport, spark another’s interest or curiosity, break new ground, or position your own interest in learning what people around you think.

Here are some tips in asking questions effectively:

Ask! First of all, don’t be afraid to ask questions! Sometimes shyness, concern over making a mistake or inappropriate question, or fear of being perceived as a nuisance can keep us from asking questions. While some subjects are not appropriate for conversation in the early stages of any relationship, there’s nothing wrong in asking questions per se. Be curious about people —if you’re genuinely interested in a person, you won’t run out of things to ask.
Ask open-ended questions. There are two kinds of questions based on the scope of the answers they elicit: closed and open-ended questions.

Closed questions are those answerable by a simple yes or no. Example: “Are you happy with today’s presentation?”
Open-ended questions, on the other hand, are those that require a qualified response. They are usually preceded by who, when, where, what, how, or why. Example: “What is it about today’s presentation that you find most engaging?”
Open-ended questions are more effective than closed questions because they evoke thoughtful consideration of the subject and creative thinking.

Ask purposeful questions. We ask questions for different reasons, and it is important that we are aware of our purpose in doing so, to help us frame those questions better, and keep them relevant.

For example, we can ask questions with the goal of putting the other person at ease. Questions like these should be phrased in a pleasant, non-threatening manner, and involve subjects that the other person is likely to be interested in. Example: “I see that you are wearing a (sports team) cap! Do you follow them?”

Some questions are designed to challenge the other person’s thinking, and encourage a lively debate or deliberation. Questions like these should be phrased in a way that is focused and process-oriented. It can also challenge existing assumptions about the subject matter. Example: “How do you think a leader can better motivate his team?”

At other times, questions are meant to encourage a person to join an existing discussion. The goal of these questions is to invite participation, as much as to gain information. Example: “I find Sandra’s approach very refreshing. What do you think, Frank?”

For more effective communication, be prepared to listen and ask questions that create opportunities for learning and understanding. Think of what your partner in conversation needs at the current stage of your relationship, and ask him or her questions that can address that need. And then stop, slow down and listen.

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John Whitehead, coaches individuals and organizations in becoming more effective by helping them improve their interpersonal communications, emotional intelligence and resiliency.

*******Are you wondering if having a Leadership/Personal Development Coach is right for you? Contact John for a complimentary, exploratory coaching session at [email protected]********